World
11/07/2013
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Rob Ford’s crack escapade is like the Dogpatch Ham of Canadian political dramas. Just when you think you’ve swallowed your last mouthful, there’s suddenly more of it to go around. Also, Rob Ford looks like a ham. Fascinating. But his admission that he did indeed smoke crack represents a surprising new phase in this sweaty pink Odyssey; not because it is surprising that Rob Ford really did smoke crack, but because it’s surprising that the accusation that he had done so INCREASED his popularity by 5 points, up to a 44% approval rating! Whatever suspicions you may have had about Toronto voters have now been definitively confirmed. Rob Ford is a crack smoking man of the crack smoking people, and they love him for it!

If you take a look at the map of voting districts that went for or against Ford, it is immediately apparent that Ford’s entire voter base would have been some other city’s problem if not for over 200 years of amalgamating the crack-smoking suburbs into the city proper. The inhabitants of Old Toronto voted against Ford, leaving a long-necked-flip-bird like protrusion stretching from the harbor up into Fordland. But, there could be worse things than a majority crack-smoking electorate. You could have a mayor doing bath salts and chewing babies faces off instead of kissing them. So, with Ford professing every intention of running again in 2014, we can look forward to many more seasons of cracked out hilarity from Canada’s most infamous laughable bumblef**k mayor.